debthedemi:

Fortunately, no one has been bold enough to tell me this, but unfortunately, I see this happening to a lot of other bloggers:

A demisexual is described as someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to someone else without a having developed a deep (usually emotional) bond with them. Straight people who don’t understand the term automatically assume that’s everyone. Their reasoning: most sane people will only have sex with someone they know or that they’re close to.

Here’s why that reasoning is wrong, and I’ll do it without pointing to people who have one-night stands because I don’t think that’s a good enough example. These thoughts are based on observing the everyday people around me:

No, the average person won’t have sex with someone they haven’t developed some type of bond with, but they typically know after they talk to them for a couple of hours or date them a few times whether or not they WANT to have sex with that person. Most will know from that first glance. You know the glance: they look at the person’s face, then they keep going down, and keep going down, and if they like what they see, they already know. Sometimes they don’t even start with the face.

The number of times I’ve had a stranger comment on my body or look away from my eyes to see what the rest of me looks like grosses me out. This only grosses out the average person if they’ve already determined in their mind that they’re not attracted to the person giving them that glance. Otherwise, more often than not, they’ve already done the same glance themselves. I can’t count the number of times my girlfriends swoon over a muscular guy with a beard or a sexually charged video while I’m like, “Hm, okay. Moving on.”

I’ve had my friends defend the drivers who honk at me on the street. Because to the average straight person, it’s natural for people to look at you and consider whether or not you’re sexually attractive and openly expressing it to you with the expectation of reciprocation or, at the least, appreciation.

As a demi-gray asexual, I have only experienced sexual attraction to another person twice. The first was because I’d developed a deep romantic bond with a friend, and I naturally knew when the attraction shifted and I wanted to go further. The second was–the dilemma which most demisexuals face–because of a deep crush I’d developed on a close friend, and the thought of wanting to have sex with them didn’t occur for long after the crush had festered, like YEARS long.

As a demisexual, the attraction I typically experience is aesthetic or romantic. When I see what is classified as a hot guy, my first thought is usually, “I just want to stare at him.” I don’t want to see him naked. I don’t need to see him as sexy to be attracted to him. And for me, I usually find mannerisms or what might be generic actions to someone else as attractive. It’s super rare that I look at a guy and instantly think, “Sexy.” It’s after I’ve had a chance to know them for a while that I can tag that onto them, if at all.

As a romantic demisexual, if I picture myself in bed with a guy, typically, we’re just lying there, if not holding each other, then I’m certainly touching his face because I’m weird, but maybe that’s not just me. If that touching leads to kissing, PERFECT. I love kissing. If that kissing leads further and I want it, then that’s cool; it’s natural, but it’s very difficult for me to picture anything further than kissing most of the time.

The average person lives for where the kissing might lead. Many aces might not even feel the desire to kiss; an aromantic one certainly won’t. A demiromantic one won’t if, just like a demisexual, they haven’t formed a deep enough bond with that person.

A lot of times it’s hard to feel like you SHOULD be feeling this way or that when you don’t and when people around you are telling you you should. Some aces have sex with their significant other to please them. Some are repulsed by the idea of sex. It grosses me out a little bit, to be honest, but I’m not repulsed by it. I’m well aware of arousal and enjoy that sensation, but while I’d like to experience that with someone in the future, I’m not hard pressed about it.  Cuffing Season is a thing for a reason: the average person wants to be with someone romantically and sexually, to “keep them warm” this season. If they’re attracted to the person and the person is attracted to them, and they have a couple of things in common that make them tolerable, then that is all they need. For demisexuals, we just need a blanket and some hot chocolate, and we’re good. That’s definitely not how everyone else feels.

This is dumb long, and I seriously could go on, but I hope this is enough to shed some light for naysayers.